Thomas Tatum Memorial Scholarship

Mental illness has affected me in a lot of positive and negative ways. I was diagnosed with multiple mental disorders at age 13 and have since struggled with it. From my anxiety to depression, I have had some days simply getting out of bed, others trying to keep myself alive and well. So, I found a creative outlet through poetry. I've been a poet for as long as I can remember, and it has really helped me to process and get through tough times. However when I was 14 years old, I couldn't write. I was out of school due to chronic anxiety getting the best of me and my ex-girlfriend, who I have since made up with, breaking up with me. I am still trying to get over the pangs I feel every once in a while and guilt I feel daily. Often I find myself wanting to just give up, but have made a pact with myself that I cannot attempt to hurt myself as long as there is someone in the house with me. I am in a save environment thanks to my mother, therapists, and friends. In 2018, I had an altercation with my mom resulting in my hospitalization at Hillcrest Behavioral Hospital. My second hospitalization. I was in there for one month, and it caused a large amount of trauma due to homophobia, transphobia from where I was transgender at the time, and my claustrophobia. The rooms were very small, everyone was either bullying or being bullied including the staff, and I just could not wait to get out. Since that altercation, I have changed for the better. I've become active in my school community, where I'm an ex-ed teacher's aid but still struggle at times to simply keep myself at school. All thanks to my mental illness and the illness in my family, I can better understand what it's like to be different. I now wear my mistakes as badges of honor, humility, and acceptance. So, in conclusion; Mental illness has affected me in a sense that I now know where art comes from. It comes from pain, bruising, and lots of creativity. I know now; I am brave, bruised, who I'm meant to be. Mental illness has caused me a lot of grief that shall not be spoken, and a pain that goes on, But I will be okay, because I believe I will be.