Autumn Davis Memorial Scholarship

My name is Carter Gillman. On April 20th, 2017, I lost my dad, from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The tragedy left my family feeling powerless and lost in a world full of ignorance and judgment about our situation. I was 13. My sister was 20. We went from what was already a stressful home to one utterly shattered by loss and grief. We faced the uncomfortable stares and answered questions children should never have to answer. As a 13 year old boy, I didn’t know how to work through the emotions and anger. Once we finally found Dr. Brian Fidler, things started to look a little less dim than they had in the last year. I have had 2 trips to the emergency room to stop me from harming myself since 2017. One was a couple of months after I graduated high school. I had turned 18, graduated from high school and my sister moved out of the house. I needed my Dad, and felt adrift. I spent around 36 hours in the hospital the first time. The most recent was in March of 2024, I was once again feeling hopeless. I told my Mom I needed help. The next day she took me to Urgent Care for mental health, and I was involuntarily admitted for a 72 hour hold for my safety. My time there was miserable, but it helped me gain focus for what I want in life. I want to live, and thrive. I have learned to rely heavily on my therapy and the support of my loved ones. Part of that decision is that I have revisited a goal I had in the months right after Dad died. I felt a calling to help others who are hurting. I am passionate about music, as well, and have taught myself to play guitar the last couple of years. So I hope to incorporate music in my therapy someday. The first step was overcoming my own doubt, in both my ability to succeed as well as my doubt in a happy future for myself. I determined I CAN be successful, and my success could mean help for others. The help that a scholarship would afford me would be instrumental in helping me complete my degree. My hope is that it would help whoever I am able to counsel someday. That kind of positive snowball effect would be a very redemptive end for the story of my life, and my Dad’s. I have survived and learned there is light where there was once complete darkness. In the absence of an instruction manual, I want to help broken people-especially children and teens-learn how to live in the light again.

“What’s wrong with you?” That’s what my dad asked me the day I started having an uncontrollable crying rush in front of him. Being thirteen, I had no answer to his question—but back then I desperately wanted one. For so long, I wanted to know what was wrong with me, and what the cure I needed was to fix it. I wanted someone to help me. Considering mental health has become increasingly more important the past few decades, with the implementation of suicide hotlines, improved treatment options, as well as more ethically run mental health facilities. However, when it comes to that of adolescents, their issues tend to be brushed off and avoided. It’s true that the mind and body of a teenager are always changing, but too often are their concerning symptoms seen as “dramatic” behavior, or that they’re having those typical “teenage mood swings.” It’s insulting and disheartening to go to people for help and to be dismissed because “you’re too young” to have mental illness. I stand firmly in the belief that teenagers deserve to be heard, to be acknowledged and seen. It’s important to take adolescent concerns seriously so that they know they have people they can go to and find help in. Regardless of whether or not their concern is “legitimate” or not, just listening to them makes a world of difference. Mental health in teenagers seems to only be taken seriously when it’s far too late to make a change, when someone far too young has already taken their life. How many lives would have been saved if someone had stepped in? Who would still be here today had someone really been there? Fighting my own mental battles throughout the years has been challenging, but my biggest obstacle in recovering was doing it on my own, having no support from my parents. The reason I’m going to be a psychologist is not for myself, but it’s for those who are in the position I was in years ago. It’s for those teenagers stuck in their own heads, for the teenagers staying up late only to cry themselves to sleep because they’ve never felt more alone. I wish to give them what no one else could for me; help, even if it’s just a small amount. Awareness and informing those about teenage mental health would be the start of my initiative. Parental figures and guardians should know what to look for in their children and should know to be open-minded to their kid’s problems. Teenagers should know coping mechanisms and practices that aid them when they need it. Not only that, but therapy should also be more accessible to those whose parents can’t or won’t provide it. Having school therapists should be more normalized in schools for all students, being a separate profession from school counselors. Group therapy sessions could also help teenagers feel seen and find people they can relate to. My dad didn’t know how to help me that day, so he never did. Silence is known to be a killer, but what if no one answers when they do speak up? It’s far deadlier.

Growing up so never truly knew what I wanted to do. I jumped everywhere from being a teacher, a lawyer to I don’t know we’ll figure it out when it’s time. Then I was always the one my friend went to when they needed guidance or support. When my cousin died in a very tragic way, everyone’s mental health took a turn and I felt helpless. Then I knew I wanted to go into a field that helped those mental health and do what I can to better those who needed the support. After taking a CSI class in high school I was in love with the work we did and what we talked about. I did a lot of digging to find out what I could do to combine both CSI type work and psychology which lead me to finding the role of a victims advocate. Being a victims advocate allows me to be with my client from the very first call to the police station to the very end. I want to work side by side with the police to make sure the individual is getting the proper care that they will need to be in a better situation physically and mentally. At my time at Bemidji State University I have switched from being a psychology major, to majoring in both psychology and social work. I have ended with being a social work major with a minor in psychology and will be graduating a whole year early. I have volunteered at an agency called “Northhomes Children and Family Services”, during my time there I attended drug and DWI court. I attended a foster home visit. Sat in on many one on one meetings with other care givers. While also learned some of there paperwork process. The 60 hours I spent there gave me time to decide where my limits truly are. Knowing that working with children would be to hard for me was something I knew before hand. Though after my foster care visit and listening to more it was set in stone for me. This field has opened my eyes to a lot of different things and I am truly excited to graduate in the spring and finally be out doing what I truly want to do. I plan on starting my career in Minnesota hopefully being offered a job right out of my internship and then move on else where to continue my career. The goal is to eventually get my masters at Moorehead State University in a few years time.