Michael Valdivia Scholarship

This is a very difficult essay for me to prepare. Not because I struggle to relate to the topic but because I relate too much. Putting this in writing is a first for me and is going to bring a mixed bag of emotions to the surface that I often try to avoid. Anyone looking at me and my life would likely think I don’t have a valid reason to be depressed or anxious. The problem is that they would be correct. The bigger problem is this does not matter or change the fact that I have struggled since a very young age. Being depressed and anxious comes as a packaged deal for me. I can often feel one stronger than the other at times if I can feel at all, but I know both exist simultaneously. Depression has affected me for as long as I can remember. From my adolescence depression has lowered my self-esteem, and my confidence, and greatly damaged my ability to make healthy choices. The lack of clarity made long-term planning impossible. I Lived day to day without any regard for my future. Then my future came without warning. With this, came anxiety. The helpless feeling that I had not prepared in any way for life as an adult. Looking back at my past I had regret, which brought depression. Looking into the future I have anxiety about what will happen. My attempt to go to college and complete a degree was a constant battle. I failed classes out of a complete lack of motivation and inspiration. All I wanted to do throughout my late teens and early twenties was be at home on the couch with the windows closed while watching television. My lowest point came when I decided that my identity would be connected to making a lot of money. I started working over 100 hours per week. I thought that if I had money, it would help me not be stressed, anxious and depressed. I started abusing several different drugs. Some to help me work twelve to fourteen days and others to help me sleep. I became an emotionless hollow cavity. I slowly crashed over six months. With a daughter on the way and a wife who was concerned she had lost me completely my family started researching rehabilitation facilities. While at my lowest point, I had a brief moment of clarity. I saw how my actions had affected those I loved. I decided to search for real change. I found that consistency was the most important deterrent in life. I worked on consistently exercising, eating healthy, sleeping regularly, taking natural vitamins and supplements and forcing myself to be social no matter how painful and unwanted. Very slowly, over three years, my priorities have changed. I started seeing the importance of spending time with my wife and daughter. I started eliminating things that I knew would not benefit me. I started practicing positive self-talk to raise my self-esteem and confidence. Now, I genuinely can say I am living a life better than I had thought possible. I am ready to complete my degree for the right reasons. I want to show my children how to overcome not only difficult circumstances but difficult emotions. I want to do this by finishing my college education. Something, I gave up on before but am now confident I can accomplish.

When you constantly feel like you are subpar. When you wake up every morning and need to fight to get out of bed. When you constantly tell yourself that you could never be as good at something as your friends. When your enemies say rude and horrible things about you… and you believe them. Depression has always been a hurdle for me. Like countless others I fight to want to go to work and do battle with my own mind just to believe I am worth something. My depression has always been a hindrance for me. I would never take the steps to better my own life because of that voice in the back of my mind telling me I will always fail. That has been my whole life. From my teenage years to this very day, I always had a negative outlook on life and as such it has prevented me from doing what I wanted to do or accomplishing what everyone tells me I could accomplish. It wasn’t until 2021 when my grandmother dies from Covid that I realized depression ran in my family. While cleaning out her house My brothers and I found journals we never new existed. My grandmother kept journals of everything and anything that happened in her life. Many of her entries referenced her battles with depression and what’s worse is she also mentioned my own depression in those journals. They mentioned how she could see herself in me and she knew I did battle every day just like her. It was at that moment I knew I needed to take control. It wasn’t some magical pill or some miraculous therapy session that prompted this. It was simple sentences written into about 50 journals written over the span of 20 years. I took it on myself to enroll in college and to do my very best to defeat what previously had been holding me back. It is not easy, to this day I still find it hard to tell myself I can do it. It’s hard to see a future me with a diploma. Even when I do believe I will have that diploma I still see the massive debt awaiting me and I must fight myself from asking if it’s worth it. I believe I can do this, and I want it so bad. With no one offering me encouragement, not a dollar in my savings account, and with my own mind telling me I can’t do it, I still carry on one day at a time, one course at a time, and one term at a time. Year 2 and a GPA of 3.8. Maybe I can do it.

My name is Connor and I have been suicidal and depressed since I was 9 years old. I didn't realize that wasn't normal until I was 21, and I didn't become serious about overcoming it until I was 26. I spent my entire high school career thinking that everyone just held this intense despair and desire to end the struggle of life deep inside them and no one talked about it. It wasn't until my first attempt at college that I started noticing that I was alone. No one else felt the need to hide, or walk around in the dark at night, or using alcohol at odd hours of the day. And my God did alcohol help. It made me feel normal, I didn't feel anxious, I didn't think people hated me. It was amazing. Until it wasn't. I always looked at suicide as cheating, I couldn't leave everyone else to deal with this world if I wasn't willing to. I wanted to so badly, so many times, I just couldn't justify it. I think that the empathy I gained from my mother saved me because I knew what ending my life would do to my family, even if I didn't believe I deserved the level of compassion I afforded myself. But alcohol, that was a slow death. Throw in caffeine, nicotine, and all manners of self destructive behavior, and I got to kill myself over years. I let this behavior destroy my first attempt at college, my relationships, my marriage, my finances, and my body. Amidst all of this I found some blessings that changed my life: my son, my girlfriend and her daughters, my love for emergency medicine, and eventually my sobriety. My son unfortunately knew his father as a depressed, shut-in, alcoholic for the first 3 years of his life, which I'm working hard to make memories with him that outshine his previous experience. My girlfriend and her girls have never seen me drunk which is a gift I wish I could give to the rest of my family. My partner on 24hr shifts when I worked on an ambulance used to come in to find me racked out in the bunk room, shake me awake and ask "drink a bit last night?" That was our ritual for 2 years and I was only 25. My ex wife, had her flaws, as a matter of fact I left her, but our marriage never had a chance to grow or heal in the same landscape as my depraved self-hatred. Today I am proud to say that I am compliant with my anti-anxiety medication and SSRI. I have 2 years of sobriety under my belt. I have a beautiful life ahead of me with my beautiful girlfriend and our children. I have 7 years experience in emergency medicine and plan to continue advancing that path. I proved to myself in paramedic school that I was able to be successful in school, but I was still actively drinking every night and doing nothing to help my mental health. I cannot express how excited I am to start nursing school with an entire repertoire of coping mechanisms, a sober mind, and the knowledge that I am not alone.