Jackanow Suicide Awareness Scholarship

Losing a loved one to suicide is one of life's most painful experiences. The feelings of loss, regret, trauma, sadness, and loneliness are experienced after the death of a loved one. I was born in Dr. Congo, and my childhood passion was to be a teacher. I deeply desired to help my friends discover new methods to learn and acquire knowledge. However, I struggled with a speech impediment and could not articulate certain sounds and syllables. Also, my siblings were my only friends because I didn't have many friends. Around 2006, my brother was secretly introduced to illicit drug activity that slowly led him to severe substance addiction, and he couldn't graduate high school. In 2009, after graduating from high school, I moved to Ukraine to further my studies and completed a bachelor's and a Master of Science in construction management. In 2012, my brother back home was found dead because he overdosed on substances. He was my best friend, and losing him was devastating. Hence, 2012 is among the most challenging year ever. Not only I couldn't concentrate on school, I felt disoriented and somehow guilty. In 2016, I flew to America for my MBA. As my parents sponsored me, I started my first year as a full-time student. Because of the war in my country, my parents couldn't support my younger sister and me anymore. I didn't want to expose my younger sister to the street lifestyle, so I was obliged to change my visa status to work and take care of my younger sister, who was 13 years old and studying at a boarding school in Kentucky. Currently, the beginning of my relief was to see my younger sister graduate from high school and enroll for her bachelor's with FASFA. Luckily, by then, I had developed a good rapport with most of my colleagues, and my reputation preceded me. My coworkers came to me for advice, suggestions, and counsel on issues such as trouble with their children, marriage issues, or a secretive addiction. Consequently, I began realizing the need to have someone to talk to, I also started focusing my studies on counseling, psychology, and behavior analysis. Moreover, the church helped me with coping skills. Although I was far from my biological family, I found in the church people that became family to me. In August 2019, I was ordained as the Lead Pastor of Blueprint Church in Cincinnati, Ohio. In a way, I had accomplished my childhood dream of becoming a teacher. It was another mind-blowing experience to realize that, as a pastor, most issues people deal with are more psychological than spiritual. Serving as a pastor helped me admire and value the art of counseling, psychology, and behavior analysis. The church exposed me to more detailed and deep-oriented conversations with people in my community who needed someone to talk to. I found that this was what gave me a sense of purpose, passion, and fulfillment. In conclusion, my journey shed light on the struggles of life and the importance of mental health; I began focusing my studies on counseling and psychology. Now, I'm enrolled at Grand Canyon University for another master's degree in Clinical mental health and counseling.

May 21st, 2019. One day before my first suboxone appointment and two months before I found out I was pregnant with my first child. This day will always resonate with me for two reasons. On this dreadful night my father, Aaron took his own life but on the brighter side, it made me more determined to conquer all of the demons I knew I was about to encounter. Addiction and depression have embedded their roots deep within my family's history. Like most of the people around me, my father wasn't any different. Aaron didn't have an easy upbringing. His mom struggled with extreme mental illness and died when he was just a boy. His father, on the other hand, couldn't handle the reality of it and left the ugly world to rest on his shoulders to carry alone. My mother met Aaron when I was just six months old. Still carrying the distressing weight of loss, depression, PTSD from serving our country, and addiction, he took it upon himself to take me in as his own; along with his two other boys. With time my stepdad became my only dad and a partner to my mom to drown themselves deeper into drugs and abuse only to hide it for so long. By 2005 drugs had a tight grasp on both of their mortalities. Soon after, Aaron would disappear. Abandoning my mother, myself, and now his 2-year-old son for six months. Leading us to believe he had committed suicide. Backed up by haunting and threatening voicemails on our answering machine. Another sign of his deteriorating mental health. After a whirlwind of events and trauma Aaron's mental health only worsened. He tried to be a good father to my brother and me. His illnesses made it hard for him to express too much love, compassion, or attention. He was in and out of our lives but I'll never forget how I yearned to have that father-daughter relationship you see in movies or social media. He refused to get any professional help or take prescription medications. It got to the point where he was hallucinating, hearing, and seeing shadow people. Refusing to have a phone because he was scared that the magnetic waves would get him caught by these "shadow people". "I wish you had a phone. I miss you and just want to spend more time with you. I love you, see ya". Those were the last words I said to Aaron before he hung himself. I still went to my suboxone appointment on the 22nd of May. I stuck to my program and never relapsed. I went to his house to collect some belongings, including the multiple empty packaging of sleeping pills scattered across the bathroom floor. Those were the last physical items he touched. I keep them in my dresser to feel closer to him. Witnessing firsthand what mental illness and drugs can do to the mind. I used that as encouragement; to help me stay strong throughout my recovery. I've learned having positive attributions on my own life can affect the ones around me positively too. My daughter was born the following year. When I look at her, I see the future. Something my dad could be proud of giving her a deserving life of love and possibilities. By furthering my education, I know I can make that happen. I want to help others that need it the most, like Aaron. I'll always have a certain emptiness but just because someone important is gone today, doesn't mean someone or something just as important won't come tomorrow.